life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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