just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
