k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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