Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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