my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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