You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
