I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
