That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
