Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
