I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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