I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
