Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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