I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
