I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
