She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
