i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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