It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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