I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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