So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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