There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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