Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Houston, we have a squirter
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
