Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
