Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
this hospital has no fireball
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
