I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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