I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize