So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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