Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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