Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
