you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
