last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
