we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize