I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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