She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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