I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
