So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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