Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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