Whatcha textin bout Willis?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
