I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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