I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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