Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
