thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have feelings that need drinking.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
