I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
