I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
