Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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