How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
