Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
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