i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
