Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
