Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
