I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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