remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
