It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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