I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
