god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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