I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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