i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
