I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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