There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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