just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
