now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
