just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize