tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
