I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
