I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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