I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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