So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
