when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
How naked do you want me to be?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
